Saturday, 18 February 2017

Latest Funny Jokes 2017

                           Latest Funny Jokes 2017

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. How much water did you drink ?
                                                                                                                                                                                        



Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping &
hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : What is her height?
Husband : I never checked.
Inspector : Slim or healthy?.
Husband Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector : Colour of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Inspector : Colour of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Inspector : What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a
suit.
Inspector Was she driving?
Husband : yes
Inspector : colour of the car?
Husband : black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0
litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power
teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic
transmission with manual mode. And it has full
LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes
for all light functions and has a very thin scratch
on the front left door          and then the
husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car.
                                                                                                                                                                                        



Boy : Daddy I want to marry,
Dad : First say sorry.
Boy : For what?
Dad : Say sorry,
Boy : But for what? What I have done?
Dad : You first say sorry,
Boy : But ... What's my fault?
Dad : You first say sorry,
Boy : But why???
Dad : You first say sorry,
Boy : Please, at least tell me a reason!
Dad : You first say sorry,
Boy : Ok Dad ... I am sorry !!
Dad : Now you are ready. Your training is complete. When you learn to say sorry without any reason, you can marry!
When you learn to say sorry without any reason, you can marry!

 



 

Latest Funny Jokes 2017

                             Latest Funny Jokes 2017

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


                                                                                                                                                                                         
 
There were these twin sisters simply handing one hundred years of age over St. Luke's Nursing Home and the supervisor of the Cambridge cloth, "The Cambridge Distorter," advised a picture taker to get over there and take the photos of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was nearly deaf and the other could hear great.

The picture taker requesting that they sit on the couch and the hard of hearing one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He stated, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Presently get somewhat nearer together," said the cameraman.

Once more, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they squirmed up near each other.

"Simply hang on for somewhat more, I must concentration a bit," said the        picture taker.

Once more, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a major smile the hard of hearing twin yelled out, "Gracious MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

                                                                                                                                                                                        


Legal advisors ought to never ask a Southern grandmother a question on the off chance that they aren't set up for the appropriate response. In a trial, a Southern residential community arraigning lawyer called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly lady to the stand.



He moved toward her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"



She reacted, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young man, and in all honesty, you've been a major frustration to me. You lie, you undermine your significant other, and you control individuals and discuss them behind their backs. You believe you're a big cheese when you haven't the brains to acknowledge you never will add up to much else besides a no-account paper pusher. Yes, I know you."



The legal advisor was paralyzed! Not comprehending what else to do, he pointed over the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the protection lawyer?"



She again answered, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was an adolescent, as well. He's lethargic, extremist, and he has a drinking issue. He can't manufacture a typical association with anybody and his law practice is one of the most exceedingly awful in the whole state. Also he undermined his significant other with three unique ladies. One of them was your better half. Yes, I know him."



The resistance lawyer practically kicked the bucket.


The judge requested that both advisors approach the seat and, in a tranquil voice, stated, "If both of you imbeciles inquires as to whether she knows me, I'll send you to the hot seat.




Thursday, 9 February 2017

Latest Funny Jokes 2017

                           Latest Funny Jokes 2017

 

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

 

***************************************************

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

***************************************************


एक लड़की पहली बार सिनेमा हॉल में मूवी देखने गयी,

लड़की - एक टिकट देना,

टिकट वाला - सॉरी मैम,

लड़की - क्या हुआ?

टिकट वाला - मैम आप लेट हो गयीं,
हाउसफुल हो चुका है,

लड़की - ओके , चलो कोई बात नहीं,
आप ऐसा करो मूवी पेनड्राइव में डाल दो :) :)
😜😂😜😂

***********************************************


भोली भाली पत्नियों का सबसे सुंदर डायलॉग...

पीते नहीं हैं जी वो.....दरअसल दोस्त ही नालायक हैं उनके।
😂

लेकिन उसे क्या मालूम कि, अपना गंगाधर ही शक्तिमान है।😜


**************************************************
 


 👩           👧

दो महिलाऐं बात कर रही थी

पहली :- "कहाँ तक पढ़ी हो बहन ?"

दूसरी बोली:
पहले B.A किया, फिर M.A किया,
और फिर उसके बाद B.C.S हो गया।

पहली :- ये B. C. S क्या होता है ?

दूसरी :- "बाई चाली सासरीये.!"
      😜😳😜😳😜😳